


How To Relax

by Skitty_Kat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon never disproved this theory I swear, Crossdressing, Humour, M/M, Ridiculousness, fic with art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9199502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skitty_Kat/pseuds/Skitty_Kat
Summary: From 2007, a totally serious and not-at-all ridiculous theory about Severus Snape.It's hard work being Potions master, spy, Witch Weekly's Grumpiest Bachelor winner five times in a row, ex-Death Eater and all-round greasy bastard.Severus needs some way to relax...





	1. Part One

Severus Snape has always been a complicated man. It was fair to say his job had fairly high stress levels and dealing with his horrendous past as a Death Eater took up much of his time too (stalking around looking moody required quite a lot of effort). Mornings were a chore too. Merlin forbid he ever went out looking any less than the gargoyle they all expected.

 

Various people have wondered why Severus never left his obviously-hated job of teaching. He clearly did not like the little buggers and no one had ever suspected him of altruism. The truth of it was that he stayed there for Dumbledore, or rather what Dumbledore allowed him to do.

 

Some people blow off steam by indulging in ridiculous pastimes. They throw themselves from planes or high buildings for kicks. Others insert various strange drugs into their systems (Severus certainly could have had access to these sorts of substances but they were not really his thing like that).

 

In fact Severus preferred to relax in a different sort of way.

 

He liked to dress as a woman.

 

This should not be seen as a highly unusual or freakish thing. Many people throughout history have indulged in this particular pastime: Ed Wood, director of _Plan Nine From Outer Space_ ; Kitten, on whose memoirs _Breakfast on Pluto_ – a rather good Muggle film – is based; and Tim Curry, though this may have been for professional purposes.

 

There was nothing that Severus liked better than wearing a skirt, heeled shoes (though not too high: he did not want to appear like a tart) and a nice cardigan. His hair scraped back very easily into a prim bun.

 

It was even better when he wandered the castle dressed in this fashion.

 

To this end he invented an entire new persona which he could slip into when he felt the need. With the co-operation of Dumbledore (who wanted to keep his pet ex-Death Eater at hand, just in case) and the use of a Time Turner (specially procured; Severus still knew someone who could pull strings at the Ministry) he could dress up and walk around the castle at the same time as he was teaching in another part of it. After a while Dumbledore even suggested a scheme to integrate both of Severus’s lives into the school.

 

As it turned out the school was in need of a librarian.

 

Soon Severus was quite literally leading a double life. He had always had something of an obsession with books – his home at Spinner’s End was evidence of that – so to be in charge of the Hogwarts library was bliss itself. As Irma Pince (Pince was almost _Prince_ after all) he ruled over it with a feather duster of iron and a penchant for leaping out on students who were misbehaving. No student had ever realised the true identity of ‘Irma’ thanks to a clever Don’t-Be-Ridiculous charm devised by Flitwick as a favour for Dumbledore. The idea that it was Severus Snape in the frilly blouse never even crossed the students’ tiny little minds.

 

And so the state of affairs continued for many years until the unfortunate business of Voldemort second time around at which time Hogwarts lost both its worst-tempered professor and librarian at the same time.

 

Worst of all, Severus stopped receiving his two wage packets.

 

Which was a pity, as nice cardigans did not come cheap.

 

 

(Irma Pince - Library Queen)


	2. Part Two - An Old-Fashioned Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two - the romance angle

Remus Lupin had always been an old-fashioned man, in the best sort of way. He held the door open for ladies, knew the correct way to sign off letters and never ever put his elbows on the table. Similarly, when he realised his feelings for another person ran in a stronger direction than usual he felt duty bound to ask permission from their family.

 

This had initially proved a problem when his heart had turned in the direction of one Severus Snape. He had no idea where to start looking for Snape's parents but had lucked out when he heard a curious rumour about Madam Pince. He had asked McGonagall whether Madam Pince was, in fact, Snape's mother in disguise. The clues were all there: the similarity in looks, the inherent bookishness, and the intolerant attitude towards children. McGonagall had been rather flustered, stammering and uncertain, but had admitted in the end that yes, Madam Pince was, 'definitely related to Severus in some way.' That was good enough for Remus.

 

The conversation with Madam Pince - in the library, naturally, when all the students had gone and she was reshelving books - had gone rather well in the end, if a little strangely. She had been up the ladder when he entered - displaying some remarkably well-formed calves that made Remus momentarily question himself - and had responded grumpily to his request for a moment of her time. Like mother like son, Remus supposed, smiling politely and getting straight to the point. Her reaction had been ... interesting. At Remus's expression of his desire to court Severus a snort had emerged from her not-exactly-small nose and a gurgle that could have been laughter almost forced itself out too. She had questioned - quite unnecessarily thoroughly, Remus thought, being as Severus was a grown man now and capable of making his own decisions - Remus's reasons for such, 'a ridiculous folly,' and also his intentions (which Remus answered as truthfully as he could without using the words, 'buggering him senseless,' or, 'whipped cream and sprinkles'). Eventually satisfied she had waved him off with a lofty, 'You can try.' Remus went with a skip in his step.

 

Severus Snape watched Remus leave the library. He straightened his cardigan and pursed his (subtly lipsticked) lips. Damn! It looked like he would actually have to tell Remus about his cross-dressing habits at some stage.

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed the physical similarities between Snape and Pince in HBP in this passage:
> 
> “a moment later the vulture-like countenance of Madam Pince appeared round the corner, her sunken cheeks, her skin like parchment and her long hooked nose illuminated unflatteringly by the lamp she was carrying.” (HBP, pg 288 Brit edition)
> 
> I actually began considering the possibilities of her having links with Eileen Prince (the names Pince and Prince seem too similar for coincidence!) but then this little idea occurred to me and I couldn’t not write it really. I do apologise. I don’t really think he’s a cross-dresser. Though I did enjoy that scene in CoS…


End file.
